Name: Dr. J

Nickname: Dr. J

Height: 6’1″

Height with Hair: 6’5″

Density: 2.43 lb / in

Bra Size: Whatever Hooker wears.


Republican: Jeb Bush

GoP Alum: Luke Hasskamp

CUTboy: Adrian Chow

Syzygites: Rebecca Sheridan

Eclipser: Chrissy Donovan

Todd Anderson: Todd Anderson

Drink: Raspberry Juice Concentrate

Rundquist Quote: “I’m going to sell this chicken and invest in land! And with that land I’m going to buy some slaves! And with those slaves I’m going to take over Rome! And Swanee is gonna be Caesar!”

Real Sport: Broomball


Bowling High Score: 176

Personal Achievements: See previous line.

Izzo’s Illegal Burrito Time: 8 Minutes 26 Seconds

Number of 12 year olds you realistically think you could beat up at once: 0

Doc Oc vs. Dr J: With his adamantium arms, Doc Oc slams Dr J against the wall, but he can’t stop the sweetness. Skyhook… IT’S GOOD! Doc Oc inbounds the ball, but all of a sudden, Spiderman shoots a web in his eye! “Aw, Spidey, keep you web to yourself!” yells Dr J, and he lets Doc Oc recover the ball. He’s just spirited like that. Doc Oc fakes with one arm, with two arms, with four arms, with EIGHT ARMS, but Dr J is there for every shot! When the buzzer buzzes, Doc Oc throws up a prayer but… DENIED!!! Dr J is having none of that weak-ass shit! It’s universe point now! (I know it’s basketball, but screw you, I’m making the rules!) Dr J dribbles down, crossover raptor catch and the 20-foot layup… HE SCORES!!! It’s all over! The Rhino and the Green Goblin shake their heads on the sideline, but there’s nothing they can do! Dr J is victorious!