Welcome back, Second Laird! We asked you to describe what you did this summer in the form of an Onion headline, and you delivered. Instead of catching up with the English majors over a long conversation about their vacations, we decided to force them to work on their concision.
The following thirteen titles are brought to you by English majors who journeyed far and wide, whether geographically, metaphysically, or narratologically.
“Stroke of Genius: Impressionable Undergrad Avoids Starving Artist Life With Unpaid Business Internship” – Joseph Brommel ’18
“Woman Won’t Stop Tweeting Her Feelings About TV Shows, Annoyed Friends Observe”
– Ellen Carter ’17“Organized an Entire Week of Activities for the Whole Class of 2020, Met No One, Cried Alone” – Emily Clark ’17
“English Major in Foreign Country Points and Grunts, Realizes Language is Superfluous” – Emma Halper ’18
“Student Worker Answers Phone Once, Self-Importance Triples” – Molly Hildreth ’17
“Wardrobe Assistant Contemplates Breaking Actors’ Legs When Opening Night Runs Four Hours” – Jenan Jacobson ’18
“English Major Discovers Most Effective Form of Birth Control is Spending Time With Children” – Jane Kelly ’18
“American Campers Astonished to Discover it Rains in Scotland” – Bonnie Lindgren ’18
“Theorists Blame Disappearance of Galway In Fog On Brexit and Foucault: Many Academics Lost” – Professor Susan Jaret McKinstry
“Underpaid Retail Worker Fights With Cash Register For Half an Hour To Save Customer 43 Cents” – Leslie Mei ’17
“Modern-Day Hippie Spends Another Summer in the Woods; Still Not Ready for a Big-Girl Job” – Claire O’Brien ’17
“Student Directing Show Titled ’Cock’ Avoids Questions of What She Did That Summer” – Alexandra Pozniak ’18
“American in England on 4th of July Wonders Where the Fireworks Are” – Tina Sieben ’18
We commend the English majors on their wit and humor. Given the lack of “read more” buttons, you’ll have to talk to them yourselves to get the full story.