Dateline: Bell Field (May 30, 2017)
The English department gathered for its annual “Seniors Vs. the World” softball game this evening on the lush green expanse of Bell Field. Many felt heartened to be back in the arena of so many memorable past contests, with whiffs of barbecue smoke in the air and geese flying overhead. Gray skies and a chill breeze prompted many players to don their new imp- emblazoned light-blue or maroon departmental sweatshirts, which added a festive note to the proceedings. In other words, all seemed right with the World . . . that is, until the game began. The World was in a confident mood entering today’s contest, having beaten the Seniors the past two years. But with Field General Arnab Chakladar off-campus in London, the venerable Tim Raylor on sabbatical and Pierre Hecker mysteriously AWOL until the third inning, the World had a shaky start. And the Seniors! The Seniors came loaded for bear. In a stunning display of offensive firepower, the likes of which has never been seen on Bell Field, the Class of 2017 rewrote the Annals of English Department Softball, setting a new record for runs scored and defeating the World by a final score of 24-10 in a game that has sent shock waves around the World.
The Seniors batted first, with Alexandra Pozniak on the mound for the World (well, not a “mound” exactly but you get the idea). Eli Sorich, Emily Clark, Leah Roche and Annemarie Eayrs all tallied creditable hits for the Seniors. The World took note but was not particularly impressed, though a few eyebrows were raised when the otherwise mild-mannered Ben Matson reached high and walloped a triple into center field. The Seniors scored 4 runs and the World came up to bat, with Eli Sorich pitching. The World’s first batter was young Jedi Apprentice, Paul DeAngelo (age 5). Paul has a promising, enthusiastic swing and soon hit a double. Paul
was followed by Jenan Jacobson (clearly a rising star for the World) and she too whacked a double. Unfazed, the indefatigably cheerful Ellen Carter (rock solid as the Seniors’ catcher all game) shouted encouragement and the Senior defense quickly came alive with a nifty double play by Emily Clark and Leah Roche. The first inning came to a close with the score 5-2, Seniors.
The second inning began with Alexandra Pozniak lofting gentle pitches and Seniors swinging savagely with the department’s pink Shakespearean bat. Strategist Justice TenEyck brought some cookies to the Senior sideline and they seemed to have an immediate and uplifting effect. (What was in those cookies, Justice?) Olivia Williams had a laudable hit and pranced, like some light-winged Dryad of the trees, to first base. Then Eli Sorich again came to bat, batting single-handed (no doubt to intimidate the opposition), and hit what would turn out to be the first of several homeruns – an impressive, high-arching ball that brought in three runs. Emily Clark hit a single, Leah Roche (who also batted single-handed) hit a triple and then kissed home plate when she scored on the very next play. The World was aghast. Grillmaster Chris Wortman stepped in to pitch, but the seniors were not to be denied. Ben Matson shed his Clark Kent demeanor and stepped up and hit a HUGE homerun that brought home three more runs. The Seniors were clearly feeling their oats. “We like what you’ve got,” someone yelled to Kate Abram from the Senior sideline as she came up to bat. “Thanks,” Kate replied. “So do I.” Alex Pozniak finally caught a flyball for the third out and the World tried to regain its balance. Pistol Pete Balaam was first up and tried to rally the troops by hitting a high-flying homerun. The World gasped in admiration. But the momentum was short-lived, as there were quick outs on the next three plays. At the end of the second inning, the Seniors led 11-3.
The World furrowed its brow and tightened the screws on defense in the third inning. There was great fanfare when Pierre Hecker suddenly appeared, arousing all sorts of improbable St. Crispin’s Day hopes as he took over pitching duties for the World. Jenan Jacobson (I told you she was a rising star!) choreographed an impressive double play and the Seniors did not score in the inning. The World came up to bat and Chris Wortman hit a homerun that brought in two runs. Fresh from displaying his mastery at the grill, Will Clapp hit a powerful single. Paul DeAngelo shifted his stance to the other side of the plate and promptly hit a single. Following Paul was his sister Penelope (age 3), who provided a much-needed infusion of Homeric hope for the World. With her father Jeremy’s help, Penny hit a single and then two-fourths of the DeAngelo family (Jeremy holding Penny as they ran) raced to first base. Spirits lifted, the adrenaline surged and the World ended the inning by cutting the Senior lead to just five runs, 11- 6.
But alas, this revival, like all things in the World, was transitory (Adieu! Adieu! Deceiving elf). The Seniors abruptly came alive in the top of the 4th inning with the strength of “ten Grinches, plus two.” Future historians will long debate what it was that suddenly transformed this otherwise amiable Senior team into a veritable Offensive Juggernaut riding roughshod across the stat sheets. (What was in those cookies, Justice?) Perhaps it was Senior outrage at Pierre Hecker’s pitching two balls at once to Emily Clark. Whatever the cause, the Seniors went on a scoring rampage. Ben Matson hit yet another home run. (Pro scouts should be on the lookout for this young man.) Claire O’Brien, Leslie Mei, Carrie Johnson, Ellen Carter and Zara Pylvainen all had stylish hits and got on base. Eli Sorich once again “singlehandedly” hit a homerun and brought in three runs. When the dust cleared the Seniors had scored 9 new runs and the score now stood at 20-6. The World was clearly in shock and unable to regroup. Pierre Hecker did hit a single. And cheers erupted when Meggan Clapp got a hit; but they quickly expired when a Senior caught the ball in the outfield. The final inning count for the World: 4 batters, 3 outs, no runs. It was not rising sea-levels but rising Senior confidence that now threatened the World.
The Seniors added 4 more runs in the 5th inning. Carrie Johnson hit a double and Eli Sorich slid into third base in a shower of grass and adverbial clauses. Following suit, Ellen Carter slid home past Pete Balaam (a play that will no doubt be watched in slow motion on YouTube for years to come). Claire O’Brien and Leslie Mei added more hits. The Seniors were virtually untouchable and the World started its final at-bat with the score 24-6. To its great credit, the World refused to finish without a fight. Desperate times call for desperate measures and several team members switched to a tennis racket and smacked out some scoring runs. Kate Johnson, Anne Hackman, Cristian Hernandez, Chris Wortman, Brynne Diggins, Dylan Larson-Harsch, Jenan Jacobson, Alexandra Pozniak, Jane Kelly and Kerrin Mulkern all played valiantly for the World and added 4 more runs for the team. But alas, it was too little too late and the final score was Seniors 24, the World 10.
The two teams formed a line to shake hands in the true Second Laird spirit of good sportsmanship and camaraderie and then rushed to embrace Susan’s charming dog Keeva, who is “part husky and part Greta Garbo.” (Rumors are already spreading that Keeva might be a designated runner for the World next season.) When asked after the game why the Seniors excelled, Eli Sorich, still visibly giddy with victory said, “Gumption! – an ability to harness mischievous power, team spirit and a good English education.” Kate Abrams noted that “Ben [Matson] batted with his non-dominant hand.” “But why were the Seniors so good this year?” your reporter persisted. “I’ll send you my resume,” Kate said.
The World will enter the off-season licking its wounds and will have to wait until next year’s picnic for vindication. This year’s Seniors, on the other hand, will have an extra bounce in their step as they finish up finals and head into Commencement, for they now know that they can indeed safely enter the World having already soundly beaten it.
Your humble scribe, from the dugout,
Mike Kowalewski
