For his final project in Pierre Hecker’s Shakespeare II course, Noah Bunnell (’16) tried his hand at iambic pentameter. A political aficionado, Noah created the following five mash-ups between current presidential candidates and their analogous Shakespeare roles.
Hillary Clinton/Tamora (Titus Andronicus)
Like Hillary, Tamora is a ruthless politician, able to shape her appearance and her loyalties to her situation. Not only does she adjust effortlessly from Queen of the Goths to wife of the Roman Emperor Saturninus, she also has no intention of letting her gender inhibit her success. Hillary, like Tamora, lets nothing get in her way — not even (rust) Emails or time ‘neath the Moor — and vicious attacks only steel her to her purpose.
HILLARY CLINTON
Vote not because I bear a woman’s face;
Vote so ye have the honey we desire.
Grandam is broadening her base;
(In)corporate money you can use to buy her.
I pray you, focus not on what I wore,
And at my (pant)suit, pardon what is past.
In sooth, I’ve spent enough time ‘neath the Moor,
‘Tis time I make us whole again at last.
To God-given potential lend a hand,
Dust off your rusty mail and join the fight.
Tell incrementalism, yes we can!
With golden promises, we’ll make sound bites.
If Hillary entreat thee, then thee must:
O cruel, disingenuous distrust!
Bernie Sanders/Gower (Pericles)
With his lofty rhetoric, idealist message, and hippie background (I’m thinking especially of the Guthrie Pericles production’s Gower here), Bernie makes a wonderful Gower. Both character and candidate come from another age, yet both also seem to think they can make time progress beyond the laws of physics (or congressional gridlock, in Bernie’s case — more difficult to break, by the way). Whether going after the Bill-Yon-airs or establishment politics, Bernie is always conjuring another time and place (sometimes Sweden or Denmark!).
BERNIE SANDERS
Imagine four years Hillary and Bill.
Yon airs turn sour at Sandy’s hourglass.
In your supposing sounds this not yet still
The ‘nfernal death knell of the middle class?
Now bend your mind to wealthy campaign dolts,
In my view, ‘tis a national disgrace.
Be attent to political revolts,
For restoratives let’s go win this race.
If you, born in these latter times, have hope,
For universal care, tuition-free,
Please you, sit and hark the ol’ misanthrope:
Reject meshuggeneh and vote Bernie.
For generations, a handful had their turn,
Join me and feel time’s concupiscent burn.
Donald Trump/Autolycus (The Winter’s Tale)
Hardly any characters in the canon can do justice to the ridiculous phenomenon that is Donald Trump, but Autolycus from The Winter’s Tale comes close. Greasy, slimy con men, setting out to take money from the pockets of those around them, candidate and character are unmatched in penis jokes, philandering, and ego-size (no correlation to size of other things, incidentally). Clearly, the characters don’t align perfectly: Autolycus is not a billionaire and Trump is not charming, but it works nonetheless.
DONALD TRUMP
My gifts bear listing: prosperous Adonis,
Yuge, adamantine will, prodigious sword,
And if I had a mind to be honest . . .
In faith, I’m universally adored.
Ha, ha! No sirrah, offer me no money
When I am sued I never settle cases.
I have sold my tremendous trumpery
Successfully. I’ll disavow no racists.
I am not honest, but sometimes by chance;
For our great wall will losers pay, how sad!
Who knows how that may turn to my advance?
Until the world discovers they’ve been had.
We seldom win these days instead we dump it,
With any luck I’ll be America’s strumpet.
Marco Rubio/Troilus (Troilus and Cressida)
A first-term fighter, oscillating between smooth-talker, whiny-boy, and broken record, Rubio makes a beautiful Troilus from Troilus and Cressida. Not unlike Troilus, Rubio is newly in love (with a vision for his country) but can’t escape his terror that she will find another candidate she likes better. It remains to be seen whether Rubio — who says he can fire up the Latin-O!s — can Hector his way to a victory and bring the Trojans a win this November.
MARCO RUBIO
‘Tis no false truth my silver tongue supplies
That he, so ‘stablish’d, backed, and new might win.
Though humble roots my heel’d boots belie,
My honeyed words, mere words, do Pandar spin.
With thirst aplenty for this office I
Contend, ‘gainst sallow trumpets, false, false, false!
Cast ballots for the fresh-faced guy,
I pray you grant me amnesty to waltz.
Be you not swayed by malediction,
For seeds of Reagan’s dream must be re-sown.
We must needs dispel with this fiction
That she most qualified should take the throne.
With your support I’ll stanch the migrant flow.
Come fiery youth and loyal Latin. O!
Ted Cruz/Angelo (Measure for Measure)
Angelo is likely one of the most hated characters in Shakespeare, let alone in Measure for Measure — even his colleagues can’t stand him. Like Cruz, Angelo is a conservative hardliner and strict constitutionalist, sticking to the letter of the law (except for when it doesn’t serve his agenda). That’s not to say he doesn’t get caught up in temptation from time to time — everyone’s a hypocrite right?
TED CRUZ
My constitution’s strong, I swear to thee,
‘Tis why I argued ‘fore the highest court.
In faith, I’ll protect pious liberty,
Unceasing filibuster is my sport.
For true traditional leadership, trust Ted;
By my decree the radicals must die,
Lest they corrupt us all, we’ll straight behead
And carpet bomb transgressors by and by.
We must not make a scarecrow of the law,
But mete out justice, tempting not the Fates.
Let’s give our humble state a coup d’etat,
Confirm no lib Obama nominates.
By course of justice, do not what Trump says,
Are you not tempted? Go and make me pres’.
Other mash-ups Noah considered were John Kasich as Pandarus (“Be moderate, be moderate”), Chris Christie as Falstaff (“banish plump Chris, and banish all the world”), Scott Walker as Dogberry (“remember that I am an ass”) and Ben Carson as Barnardine (“Away, you rogue, away! I am sleepy”).
Comments
a candidate wed to the status quo
hopes it's enough she's not the other guy
her focus groups assure her that it's so
it's in the bag, she need not even try
eight years elapsed in which the big banks grew
and we're still on the hook if they should fail
but her constituents are the rich Few
for whom a "penthouse" doesn't mean a jail
until November, anxieties mount
'though she nipped Sanders, riding his dark horse
as California readjusts the count
unbendingly, she grimly stays the course
content the voters have no place to turn
she gives no hint she understands the Bern
the status quo has served the Clintons well
they've joined the Ruling Class' moneyed ranks
no matter it's a marriage made in Hell
they've hitched their wagon to the biggest banks
Piketty warned us of this downward slope
as capital's ingathered to the Few
as Bernie fades, so fades the People's hope
that we may share the nation's bounty, too
real wages don't reflect the market's gain
that bankers divy in the bonus pool
while Bill assures us that he feels our pain
his wife serves Wallstreet as its faithful tool
be happy that a woman gets her turn
but this one really doesn't feel the Bern
Trump's racist ravings taint the GOP
a slate he heads just ain't American
to fault a judge for genealogy
discounts a lifetime of what the man's done
to Europeans, the omens are clear
they've known the horror fascism can wreck
but some deny that it could happen here
and cheer the monster Reason couldn't check
the poorly educated love their man
oblivious to each new week's flip-flop
as if it didn't matter where he stands
as long as he can bray that he's on top
his erstwhile rivals know he's wrong and crass
but fall in line to kneel and kiss his ass
Narcissus gazes at the evening news
to hear the well-coiffed talking heads dissect
his every utterance as if his views
on trade or immigrants deserve respect
the donors thought that we'd give Jeb a turn
as dummy posed on their corporate knee
like after Dubya we're too dumb to learn
the lessons of our recent history
the demagogue won't toe their party line
but Clinton's diligent to get their checks
and so the take her out to wine and dine
but swear that there'll be no cause and effect
whoever wins, they'll collect on their bets
no one gets far without incurring debts
Obama cedes she's "likable enough"
a jab too well constructed for a gaffe
pretending that he's speaking off the cuff
obliging her to force that ghastly laugh
when Bill orates, the crowd wants to believe
he's speaking from the heart as well as brain
you rarely catch him trying to deceive
appearing like he truly "feels your pain"
the dowager seems wooden on the stump
her husband has the mojo that she lacks
to take apart George Bush or Donald Trump
and never bore us by reciting facts
if it's not Bernie, Hillary must do
to save the world from going down the loo
Trump thinks we're stupid, and he might be right
the networks comp him airtime at no fee
he contradicts himself from night to night
and no one calls him on his sophistry
he's in the race to win and not to serve
to be a Rajah or a potentate
we'll get the government that we deserve
if we entrust him with the Ship of State
the dowager contends that it's her turn
to let the peasants kneel and kiss her ring
as sure as Donald that we're slow to learn
that what we need is neither queen nor king
the State of Nature sketched by Thomas Hobbes
seems scarcely worse than Donald and his mobs
Sing, Muse! Our aristeia's at its end
the U.S. had its day on the world stage
a waffling ally and uncertain friend
and prone to intermittent bouts of rage
the rank and file have ditched the GOP
the stubby-fingered one now holds those reins
the pacts that held for half a century
are threatening to circle down the drain
what archaeologist will reconstruct
the promise squandered on so large a scale
once global hegemon and now so fucked
the latest Ozymandias to fail
our brave republic totters towards the dump
if we can't block the rise of Donald Trump
incompetence is hard to self-assess
the top performers always harbor doubt
but rarely will the many who know less
appreciate the wisdom they're without
Dave Dunning leant this paradox his name
that no one had remarked upon 'til now
a funny hook on which to hang his fame
among the journal-reading middle-brow
the Trump phenomenon is scant surprise
from his perspective, all he does is Great!
there's never anyone who verifies
his only genius is exploiting hate
his stubby fingers strain for the brass ring
a Walter Mitty thinks himself a king
our Founding Fathers feared a demagogue
could raise the baser sorts against the State
a financier who lives high on the hog
inciting citizens to storm the gate
an Upper House elected for six years
to quell the passions of the mob below
enacting more from wisdom, less from fear
deferring mostly to the status quo
'twas Jefferson foresaw the inbuilt flaw
however slowly, new elites would rise
entrenching their advantages in law
a ruling class entitled, but unwise
so now we face this shouting orange clown
prepared to tear the whole republic down
Trump's Christianity's a flimsy veil
that can't obscure his cult of naked greed
his policies are well beyond the Pale
for anyone adhering to Christ's creed
to share one's clothes with those less fortunate
instead of chasing ever-more excess
forever craving more than he can get
consigns the world to live on ever less
the Wore of Babylon sports orange hair
and brags she'll make our nation super-great
but it's a lie and there's no substance there
the karmic wage of hate is just more hate
a fascist gaily decked out in our flag
presumes the Christian vote is in the bag