How Many Tater Tots Can I Consume before I Turn into One

‘Tis the season of bulking, and there’s no better place to get unlimited, glorious, life-changing tater tots than Carleton’s buffet-style dining halls.

It’s like an early Christmas present, I can feel the love and care, the DEEP existentially transcendent understanding, put into every single one of the six chocolate chip cookies I just enjoyed.

Imprimis: If it is not already obvious, I find great happiness stuffing my face with the all-you-can-eat food at Carleton. The dining hall is my secret sanctuary. It’s a temple of comfort where the saying “let’s go get a sweet treat” is less a suggestion and more a sacred rite of being a Carl. The sheer abundance of available food brings a tear to my eye. So much so that I’ve written a small poem about it:

An Ode to Carleton’s Culinary Cornucopia 

The season’s here, the bells have chimed. For it is unlimited chicken time! I’ve stacked the tots, a golden hill, my hangry heart they fill.

I wait in line, anxiously surveying. Is it apple crisp day? I’m endlessly praying.

Alas, the scrumptious crisp!

It’s a beautiful day, a glorious feast. Myself a joyously overstuffed crisp-filled beast.

I’ll take you through my rounds. In Carleton’s dining halls, where true purpose is found(s)!

With about two minutes of your life wasted reading that, prepare your stomachs, senses, and sensibilities. You may think you already know dining halls, but I am here to spiritually guide you through the righteous path towards true transcendence. Here are a few recommendations on what to fill your tummies with (and also how to build a structurally stable tater tot tower).

Breakfast

If I’m not running late to class (which, let’s be honest, is everyday), I always like to start with a hearty breakfast. That way, class can be truly exciting when heartburn hits mid-lecture. I am a strong loyalist to the Language and Dining Center (LDC) solely because my dorm is close enough that not too many people will see me in my pajamas.

The chefs usually switch between pancakes and self-made waffles. If they feel like truly spoiling us, they make “unique” pancakes. I like to see how much sugar I can put onto one pancake, it reminds me of IHOP’s cheesecake pancakes (1000+ calories). After I eat this breakfast, I usually have to sit down immediately due to a food coma.

I want to believe my preference in black coffee is not too pretentious. I seriously only drink it because I’m too lazy to put other stuff in it.

Lunch

Behold! The optimized lunch. A true testament to the fact that when food is all-you-can-eat, my self-control leaves.

There are a few reoccurring motifs within my meals: fruits and yogurt. Fruits: they’re expensive to buy on my own. Yogurt: ditto. Can one single man cause LDC to go bankrupt? It’s a life-long quest I’m willing to partake in.

The color palette is completed with the vibrantly blue Powerade, you never know if the vending machine will mix too much Powerade or too much water, it’s a fun surprise!

Ultimate college tip: be polygamous with your food, eat everything at once! Your body will have no idea what nutrient it’s supposed to be processing first. It’ll be 50/50!

Supper

The dinner-time coffee is the sole reason why my sleep schedule is the way it is. Will I stop doing this? No.

This self-sabotage is combined with my attempt to appear responsible and healthy: Yogurt + oats + honey = a nutritious dessert.

The real struggle, however, is the fruit bowl. They’re always just standing there (menacingly) beckoning me. I always stare at the melon and ask myself: How much fruit does one man need? I am easily tempted.

Whoa! Didn’t you just say you only eat at LDC? Isn’t this Burton Dining Hall?

Although LDC is superior, sometimes Burton may be the choice. In this case, for example, I was craving Burton’s salad and french fries, a Burton specialty cuisine.

Conclusion

Overall, if you take my righteous advice and eat exactly like me, prepare yourself: the Freshman 15 is real! However, in my eyes, its a small cost to pay to achieve enlightenment.

If you take away just one single piece of wisdom from this spiritual journey through Carleton’s culinary cornucopia, let it be this: do NOT eat a full plate of tater tots (eat two, the adverse health effects cancel each other out).

Nick (he/him/his) is a sophomore from Seattle, Washington, and serves as the blog’s editor. He plans to double major in English and Economics with a minor in Creative Writing and Chinese. A member of Carleton’s Varsity Soccer team, he also enjoys staying active at the Recreation Center and running through the fields of the Arboretum. When not working out, he can often be found reading by Lyman Lakes if the mosquitoes choose to leave him alone that day.

On campus, Nick works as a Writing Consultant in the Academic Support Center, where he enjoys helping classmates with their papers. He serves as a Program Director at Project Friendship, where he also interns and hopes to expand the program’s reach. Additionally, he’s part of the Manuscript Editorial Board and volunteers (naps) at the Record Library.