“Hey, Let’s Keep in Touch!”

For many, Carleton is the first time you are away from your “at-home” friends, and it can be a difficult transition. The people you went to high school with, your childhood best friends, or maybe even your partner, are no longer living in close proximity with you. Instead, you are surrounded by people who you know exclusively in this tiny world of Carleton. When I go home, I feel like I’ve lived in a snowglobe, an imaginary world. My best friends at Carleton have never seen my past life. They’ve never seen where I go on my evening runs, never have been inside the walls of the high school I hated, and never have eaten the food my grandma cooks. However, in that same vein, my friends from back home have never been inside the magnificent walls of Kracum during Chinese Ensemble Rehearsal, nor have eaten Ferndale turkey at Burton Dining Hall. Carleton and my “back home” world sometimes feel like separate places with people who know separate versions of me. So the question is, how does one bridge the gap between these worlds? And how do you not lose the friendships and memories from one versus the other?

I’m someone who has many close friends from various areas and places in my life, including my high school, my study abroad semester, my camp, and family friends. As someone who has in the past balanced my love and care for friends who are not immediately in front of me, I’d like to consider myself an expert! The answer to not losing touch with your friends from back home really comes to open and free expression. 

What I mean by that is this: When you miss someone, tell them. Send them times when you are open, and tell them clearly, “I want to chat with you.” Even better, if you’re comfortable, cold call them! You’d be surprised by how many times I’ve called a friend I haven’t talked to in years. When they pick up, we always have a quick chat.

Also, FaceTime is superior to an audio call, and an audio call is superior to texting. Try and FaceTime as much as is reasonable. So that’s one part: being open and expressive with what you want out of your friendships from back home. If there’s someone you want to talk to, talk to them, and if there’s someone you want to talk to less, fade them out of your life and communicate with them. It sounds simple, but I know it’s hard. 

Then comes the question: “How much talking with your friends from back home is reasonable?” And this really comes down to personal preference and opinion. Some friendships from back home, for me, really don’t need that much maintaining. Just a random text or conversation from here or there is sufficient. If we’re ever in the same zip code, we’ll do something fun. I think everyone needs to set their own priorities. Personally, I set my social priorities as follows. Spending in-person time with my friends at Carleton is the most important, then is my minimum hour or to two hours of solo time to decompress and relax, that’s split between when I go to bed and when I wake up, and lastly, is my friends from back home to “catch up” with. So everybody’s got to set their own priorities and make their own choices when it comes to this one. Do what feels right and feels good to you. 

Okay, the last thing, which I think is the most important, and possibly my most controversial take, is what you and your friends from back home should talk about? And in my opinion, stop “catching up” with your long-distance friends. Now I don’t mean, stop talking to them at all, I’m saying that you shouldn’t be only talking about your own lives on the surface level. If all catch-ups and hangouts only become, “So what have you been up to?” “Oh… just school. I’m really busy.” Your friendships are no longer productive. They don’t produce anything.

For me, the best friends I’ve kept in contact with over the years are the ones where we do describe some large-scale changes in our lives. But then we dive deeper into more personal things, more introspective things, or other current events, etc. We get excited over the same music, angry at the same types of characters or societal norms, and give each other honest and open advice. This way the friendship continues growing, instead of being stuck in the past, and constantly catching each other up to date. When friendships aren’t growing (i.e., producing something), they are dying. Be authentic with your friends, don’t just catch up, talk about things you both care about. You’ve known each other for such a long time; it’s a shame that your friendship will be relegated to a “how’re you doing?” every couple of months. When I FaceTime my friends, I like to take them around on my phone as I do tasks or walk around. I’d show them all the laundry I just folded or the beautiful tree leaves, and it’s like they’re in front of me, like they’ve always been.

Remember, when you miss your friends from back home, you are damn lucky to have people great enough to be worth missing. With that being said, one day, your college friends will be like that too, separated by time zones. So enjoy college while it lasts, let yourself miss your friends from back home, and let that ache into your heart, but remember, you have some pretty awesome friends in front of you. Remember to tell the ones you love that you love them. Be authentic and honest with the people around you and yourself. Life is too short not to love. Thanks for reading, and I’ll talk to you guys soon. 

From,

LW

Leo Wang (he/him/his) is a prospective Political Science (International Relations) and Geology Major from Newton, Massachusetts. You can typically find him in the Carleton College Climbing Gym, where he works as a staff member, setter, and class TA. When he’s not climbing, he typically plays one of his instruments: guitar, Violin, Viola, or Erhu (a traditional Chinese instrument). Speaking of the Erhu, Leo is also involved with Carleton’s Chinese Ensemble. There, he is a musician and also works in a staff role, transcribing scores. Another hobby of his is the outdoors. He loves running in the Arb and disconnecting from technology by going on long walks. Lastly, Leo loves being social. He can often be found waving to others from across the bald spot, talking to strangers at various events, and trashbagging with his friends down the Bell Field Hill. He’s always open to chatting and feel free to contact him for any questions about anything.