Balance of Old and New Self
Grace talks about the balance of combining where one comes from with the new environment of a college campus.
Grace talks about the balance of combining where one comes from with the new environment of a college campus.
Right now is a weird time to write admissions blogs. I’ve been on campus for just over four weeks as of writing this and I feel like I have a bit of a routine and I know the gist of campus. However, I’m still learning the nuances of everything every day and so I can’t call myself an expert or speak with any kind of authority on any subject.
So this week I’d like to talk about something that nobody really has a full understanding of: balance. Specifically I’d like to talk about the balance between being who you are and trying new things.
Entering college gives you a new sense of freedom to be who you are or to change how you’re perceived to other people. You can express yourself exactly as you are and you can try a whole host of new things and discover new parts of yourself. Balancing these two things is really challenging.
For me, I wanted to try exploring the parts of myself that aren’t strictly for useful things. In high school, just about everything I did was for the goal of being productive. Studying, extracurriculars, spending time with family, sports, outside community service, internships, my life was scheduled every second of every day. I didn’t have any time to hang out with friends outside of school or specifically designated activities and when I did have the time, I never had the energy. I was “on it” all the time.
When I stepped onto the Carleton campus, I decided I didn’t want to just do that. So I let myself goof off more often and hang out with people solely for the sake of hanging out with them and nothing else.
However, for some reason there was a disconnect between the high school me and the college me. There’s a ton of things I like about the college version of me: I’m more open to people and to experiences, I’m less stressed about life, and I’m with so many different super cool people every day.
But there’s a lot I really liked about the high school version of me: I was passionate about everything I did, I didn’t talk to a lot of people so my brain was always on and always thinking about science and new theories, I had a very tight community that I could talk to about anything, and I could feel confident that I was on the right track.
Mending that disconnect has been my focus for the past week and it’s a really hard thing to overcome. Imposter syndrome is a real thing here and while I walked onto the campus confident, the sheer amount of incredible people here could make me feel like maybe I didn’t belong.
It’s also difficult when normal
support systems are gone. For me, my family and close friends are my anchor. I could always know who I am because I know who I am in relation to them. However I can’t talk to them all the time like I could when I was living at home and that’s been a really tough adjustment.
So what’s someone to do when they are trying to balance all the changes that come with college with the person one was before?
Well, there’s a lot of things that have helped. The thing I miss most is my family so calling them from time to time is a huge help. It can get extremely busy at Carleton and there are days where every second is filled with class, extracurricular activities, travel time, plans you made with friends, studying, work, and meals and there’s not a lot of time where you can spontaneously call someone. So for me, any time I do have that kind of time, I call someone in my family. Scheduling time to talk with them and make them a priority also helps.
Feeling anchorless is hard but luckily we live in a digital age so I can always call them and be reminded of where I’m from and who I am despite all the newness of my current situation.
Another part I really missed was my passion for science. During my first few weeks here, it got lost along the way of figuring out everything. So I decided to change that: in the mornings I tend to eat breakfast alone (peopling that early is hard!) During that time I would make it a point to read the new astronomy news or listen to a science-y podcast or read a good book. (Right now I recommend Physics of the Impossible by Michio Kaku!) Reminding myself why I wanted to go to college and study science in the first place gives me additional roots.
Something else that helps is running. When I’m running, literally nothing else matters. I have blocked out that time to do nothing else except run so there’s nothing else I can do except enjoy the time where I can be out in nature and feel good about myself. On my hard days here, I can always rely on a run to bring a little bit of joy and clarity to my life.
One other great thing that helps is gratitude. I feel so incredibly lucky to be here: I live on a gorgeous campus with incredible people where my only job is learning about fascinating subjects that I’m genuinely interested and passionate about and every opportunity to try new things is open to me. While I won’t deny that there are some tough parts about campus, reminding myself of how fortunate I am definitely grounds me and gives me some perspective.
Everyday I succeed in some parts of this balance and fail miserably at others. I have to constantly remind myself of my values, why I’m here, where I come from, and how I got here. It requires hard work and discipline to remind myself of these things as well as cutting myself a lot of slack when I forget. It’s a balance that I haven’t figured out yet (and probably never will completely) but putting in effort every day makes my time here so much richer and more radiant.
Grace (she/her) is always up for a good adventure and is right at home trying new things. At Carleton, that’s everything from exploring new sections of the arb to joining sports like rugby to working ITS to meeting new people everyday! She loves learning about the “whys” behind the world and hopes to be a physics major. You can find her trying all the new clubs and opportunities she can at Carleton and hanging out with her friends.